That answer, or lack thereof, is contrary to everything that my natural personality would want to say. Let's face it: I was raised by two mathematicians, and have a degree in engineering...I have been taught that questions have concrete answers, and that there is a way to solve any problem given to me. I mention this to explain that I have struggled a lot to admit that simple sentence - "there are a lot of questions and very few clear answers" - and wish more than anything that I could have more answers. Not necessarily less questions, but definitely more answers.
Four years ago, I visited Nicaragua for the first time, as part of a group through the Catholic Student Center at my university. We spent two weeks working in a small remote village called Dos Quebradas. Dos Quebradas has 75ish residents, no electricity or running water, and a one-room schoolhouse. They make a living selling firewood and farming beans and corn on the hills around the village. I struggled a lot during that trip to understand what we could provide to Dos Quebradas that they would really want or need. Was an American understanding of basic necessities the same as theirs? Was the school we were repairing really the best thing we could give them? Is there anything wrong with the poverty they live in if they're happy and mostly-healthy? What does development look like for Dos Quebradas?
I have been faced with similar questions in my work in La Chureca and Cedro Galan. What is the lasting effect of our child sponsorship program? Is there a way we could help Chureca more? How can a mother in our program afford to buy enough alcohol and cigarettes to be drunk and smoking when we see her, but not to feed her family? Do the residents of La Chureca really want to move out of Chureca, like the Spanish government is trying to help them do? How can the moms and kids living in a trash dump still be smiling most of the time? Are we having any long-term impact?
Are English classes really what will help the residents of Cedro Galan and Chiquilistagua? Is me being here for a year really helpful to the people I work with and get to know? How can I possibly transition from this lifestyle back to my eight-to-five job at NASA without feeling like I'm being untrue to myself or the people I'm serving this year? Is my lifestyle here in solidarity with the community members, or am I living too extravagantly? What does success mean here?
I have always connected with music, and the album of the past year of my life has been Beauty Will Rise by Steven Curtis Chapman. He wrote this album after the unexpected and tragic death of his young daughter, and the songs show both his struggles and his faith, woven intricately together. One song is called Questions, and the lyrics include a lot of the hard questions that he had for God at that time. The chorus goes like this: And if you know my heart / The way that I believe you do / You know that I believe in You / Still I have these questions. It brings me comfort to remember that questions and faith are not opposite - I can have all the questions above, and so many more, and yet not doubt that there are answers, even if they haven't been revealed to me.
On Friday, I had the chance to go back to Dos Quebradas, for the first time in almost 4 years. Very little has changed. My favorite kid is in the same grade he was in four years ago and still not wearing shoes, and yet his smile still has the ability to truly light up the world. People still live in their mud houses, jump in the back of the truck to get a ride to town to sell firewood, and get excited when presented with a jump rope or a frisbee. One can ask if our work there really did anything helpful...but then little Henry, who was 5 when we were there and 9 now, asks if we can play duck duck goose like we did last time I was there. And in that moment, the questions don't really matter anymore, and I realize there's more to life than finding answers to all those questions. Maybe what really matters more than any of those answers is a quick game of duck duck goose.
Dos Quebradas, January 2008
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